A Long Way To Fall

By: Zahid Zaman
September 10, 2008

Last Year


My legs dangled over the edge of the twenty-five story building. I sat looking down on a city of darkness, ready to throw myself from the top. The cityscape below was peppered with tiny lights.


It was Halloween, but there was very little trick-or-treating going on. This year wasn't like last year, when I'd spent the holiday in America with my girlfriend. This was England and the police saw 'trick-or-treating' more as aggressive begging than children enjoying the Holiday.


As I thought about my girlfriend, a slow tear fell from my left eye and into the darkness below. I had loved her, she was my lover and my best friend. Then she had left me; just two weeks ago. It had been hard.


Why is life so unbearable? I'm in my final year at university. One more year and then I will be qualified, then I will be able to join the human race as a fully paid up member, once I find a job. I will find a job. Things aren't that bad. My black skin didn't bar me from getting into university and it won't stop me getting a job…but…sometimes it's hard.


I looked up at the inky black sky which was pinpricked with thousands of small stars. The sky was comforting, I felt it took away all my problems and made me feel how small they actually were, but when I looked back down at the city below they didn't feel small.


I thought about my plan.


Am I really going to do it? Am I really going to throw myself off the top of this twenty-five story building?

I put my hand into my pocket and took out my medication; I put a pill in my mouth and swallowed. There, that should do it. I smiled; I wouldn't be able to commit suicide tonight with the anti-depressant running through my veins.


How useless is the drug my psychiatrist has given me. It hasn't stopped my dark moody thoughts. How useless is the whole world around me. And why hadn't Louise understood?


I'd never told her about my childhood, that was too painful but I had told her some things. More than I'd ever told anyone else. At first I thought she had understood but then she'd grown impatient. She had wanted sex –not excuses- but I wasn't ready. How could I tell her about the secret buried in my past, a secret so dark it still haunted my nightmares.


#


It was night. The hospital was quiet. I was half asleep and I think I heard the door to my room open and shut quietly, ever so quietly. I lay dwarfed in the single bed my legs barely reaching half the beds length. The moonlight seeped in through the only window in the room. I felt the blanket of my bed lifted and then a sharp stinging pain in my arm.

As I lay in a semi-conscious state, I felt my pyjama top slowly unbuttoned. The hands were soft and gentle but there was something about them…something slimy. They roamed, caressing and feeling my small fragile body….


#


"Excuse me." I looked around and saw a girl who stood in the orange glare of the roof's security light.

"Do you mind if I sit up here for a while?"

"No, its okay," I said slipping my pills into my pocket. She was pretty, about 5'6 with thin straight black hair down to her neck, a white t-shirt which hugged her body and faded blue denim jeans.

The thing that struck me most about her as she walked out of the semi-darkness was the paleness of her flesh. Her face and arms were porcelain white. She sat down next to me; flashing a bright white smile and I saw deeply into her wide grey eyes. My pulse suddenly quickened and I felt my temperature rise. I knew I was blushing.

"It's so nice up here," she said, looking at the lights below. "I used to come up here all the time before, but I don't any more,"

"Yer…I like it up here too." I said casting her a sideways glance. "It's so peaceful." We sat in silence for a short time; just staring at the night below.

"What's your name?" I asked noticing the ghostly orange shadows, which her form cast onto the roof.

"Jennie," she said with sadness, "Jennie Hulbert,"

Jennie Hulbert? Where had I heard that name before? It was familiar but I couldn't quite place it. It didn't matter it would come to me.


#


I tried to breathe but felt myself choking. My lungs were out of air, something moved up and down burning the back of my throat and making my eyes water.

"Oh God…Oh God," I heard whispered again and again.

I tried to move my body but couldn't. I knew something was wrong, very wrong indeed. My arms had no strength; the only thing I could do was lie there and endure it. I waited for it to end…. Eventually I was able to breathe again. That was the first night of many.


#


"I know things can be hard sometimes," she said looking straight down "but you must never give up. One day you will have the happiness you deserve,"

I looked at her, that was strange a thing to say to a stranger you've just met. It was as if she knew what was on my mind. I suddenly felt a lump in my throat.

"My girlfriend left me," I said angrily "Two weeks ago, she just threw away all the memories we shared together like they were nothing and left." A tear formed in my right eye, blurring the lights below.

"I had a boyfriend…," she paused "but I left him behind,"

"Oh…where are you from?"

"I'm from down South originally," something fell from her eye into the darkness, "But I like it up here," her voice, steady and even.

"My girlfriend…," I muttered "There were things I couldn't tell her about myself,"

"I hid things as well from my parents, my friends and even my boyfriend."
"What did you hide?"

"Oh…just the way I was feeling," she wiped her eyes, "I didn't tell them what was on my mind,"

"Was it really that bad?" I asked suddenly curious.

"My grades were falling with every assignment...I just couldn't concentrate,"
"So what did you do?"

"I started coming up here like you," she paused, thinking. "And just watching the city below,"

"What course are you on?" silence…

"Do you know that on Halloween, all the ghosts of the dead are allowed to roam free?"

"Yer, but that's just rubbish. Nobody believes in ghosts. Don't tell me you're a ghost," I said jokingly. I stretched out my hand and touched her arm, it was soft and warm, I let my hand rest there for a second. She looked at me with her wide deep almond shaped eyes and smiled.

"I have to go in a short while…my time is almost up," she said.

"Do you have lectures in the morning? God, you should have been asleep hours ago." I paused unsure whether or not to make the joke and then I did. "No wonder you're failing your assignments." She didn't laugh.

"Eternity is a long time to spend alone," she said in the saddest voice I had ever heard. My mirth suddenly vanished as I thought about my own suicide bid.

Jennie Hulbert? Where had I heard that name before and then it hit me.
My mouth fell open and I felt the drum of my heart beat in my ears. I remembered the name. When I'd started my course two years ago, the story had gone all around campus. A girl named Jennie Hulbert had killed herself –thrown herself of a building. The same building I was on now.

I looked at her and slowly, ever so slowly she turned her head towards me. Her eyes were bloodshot and indescribably sad.

"Eternity is a really long time," A tear ran down her cheeks, "don't do it, please don't do it," she said. I thought about the hospital and burning tears sprang up on my cheeks. We stared at each other in the orange glare of the security light, tears running down both our cheeks. I leaned towards her and hugged her. Her skin was soft and warm under my hands.

"Forgive and forget," she whispered in a broken voice, I felt an unbearable pain in my heart and closed my tear stained eyes and screamed as the memories came back.

Suddenly I felt her heat dissolving. I opened my eyes and found myself hugging empty air. All the pain the memories were gone. I laughed a joyful timeless laugh. It was as if a giant weight had been lifted from off my shoulders. I heard her soft sad voice whisper back to me.

"Eternity is a really long time to spend alone…"


#


This Year

I'd been waiting over a year to see her again, the saviour of my life. A day hadn't gone by when I didn't think about her and how she had been so concerned for me; a stranger she had never met before, and yet at the same time I cared for her so much and wondered, what a hell she must be in, to be alone for all eternity.

Wanting to see her again had driven all thought of suicide from my mind.

Just one more time.

From the first instance of seeing her I knew there was something special between us. She had saved my life and given it new meaning.

Love.

I would see her again and now I had worked out a plan to be with her for all eternity.

I looked at my watch. 11:50.

I prayed she would be here soon and now that the time was approaching –I could feel the sound of my own heartbeat- like a giant drum.

Soon to be stilled forever.

I watched the seconds tick by like hours. My breath coming in short gasps. Would she look just the way I remembered her. She had become immortalised in her ghostly ethereal beauty –never to age ever again- to live for eternity but to live alone, could that be called an existence at all.

Hell. Nothing but hell to live forever with no company except the few and fleeting people she met on Halloween.

"I have been sentenced to be alone for all eternity for my sin" A few words echoed from the shadows. I turned my head and knew she was there.

I got up form the edge of the building "I've come to save you my love."

"No, you don't understand what you are doing. To wander the world alone" she stepped out of the shadows.

"I want to be with you for all eternity. There is nothing here for me in this world,"

She came closer.

"Sit down with me a while," she said sitting down on the edge of the building and letting her legs dangle, "my time is short, but let me explain," she said.

"No! Let me explain," I said "my parents are long dead, there is nothing for me in this world. I have no family, no friends –just my textbooks and my Bible- to keep me company. I know it is an unpardonable sin, but I want to be with you more then I've wanted anything else in my entire life."

"You don't know what you are saying!" Her eyes narrowed in anger "I spend everyday except Halloween hiding from demons that would torment me. They hunt me like a man hunts a rabbit, and when they catch me they burn my skin with their stinging whips,"

"All the more reason for me to be with you, to help you fight against them, to release you from your hell of loneliness," I looked deeply into her eyes making my point earnestly and with all the pent up emotion of the last year held at bay and in check –just about.

I wanted her now more then ever. Now that she had told me what a hell she was in, I wanted her even more then I had wanted her at the beginning of the day.

"No. I can't condone you doing what I so foolishly did three years ago,"

"But you want me; I know you need me –to rescue you from this hell,"

Once again just like on that night one year ago, I saw her tears on her soft white cheeks fall into the harsh brutal darkness below.

"There was a time when I would have agreed with you, to release me from my hell," she wiped her tears and turned her head towards me –staring with her deep cavernous blood shot eyes deep into mine. "But now I cannot condone it, there is a darkness which has sprung up in me, deep within my soul. You see I now know why I did what I did."

I hung onto her every word trying to understand why she didn't want this one deep wish of mine, to be with her for all eternity to come true.

"God has forsaken me from his love, not only for what I did but for what I am," she paused and I heard the click in her voice, the emotion which had been buried for so long now coming to the fore.

"And what are you?"

"Evil, only an evil person could be forsaken from God's love, and now, I know that is exactly what I am,"

"No, you can't be if you were truly evil, you wouldn't warn me of the sin I want so badly," I clenched my hand and noticed my knuckles had turned white in the yellow glare of the roof's security light. "You saved me from that sin, last year, and now I've been thinking about it everyday since. I want to save you from the hell of loneliness, from the torment of not having anyone to speak to. You see, you and I are the same, we have both been tortured by this world," Jennie resigned her head as if in despair, as if not wanting to hear what she was been told whilst at the same time desperate for some love, affection, or even just company to break her bleak empty existence.

"I have warned you. The choice is yours but always remember after the sin you will be far from God's grace,"

I looked at my watch 12:00 midnight.

This is it. Now or never.

I gripped the low wall on which I sat as hard as I could and stared at the darkness below. A darkness not half as dark as I had sensed in jennie or the darkness which I now felt encroaching on my soul.

Her words echoed in my mind.

You will be far from God's grace.

Then I remembered the words she had whispered to me last Halloween.

Eternity is a really long time to spend alone.

Then I knew what I had to do, and do it I would.

"Please God forgive me for what I am about to do,"

I leaned forward.

A LONG WAY TO FALL PART 2

JENNIE'S STORY

Jennie sat atop the twenty-five story building ready to throw herself from the top. Tears streamed down her cheek like a small river and her mascara had run but she didn't care…she didn't care about anything anymore.

She was in her final year at university, one more year and then she'd be qualified.

I wish I was dead.

She felt wretched and miserable. Nothing mattered in her bleak empty world any more.


#


Jennie had met her boyfriend the first day back at university, and fallen head over heels in love. Little did she know he would turn out to be a two timing slime ball. Two months after meeting him she had given herself to him, to her it was a big thing as all her religious and spiritual morals had screamed against it but she had been in love

To a quite Christian girl like Jennie morals and her faith mattered, they mattered a lot; ever since her grandmother had taken her to church as a little girl and taught her how to pray, on her knees with her hands in a steeple and her eyes tightly shut. She had prayed then, prayed with all her heart.

"Please make mummy better, please God make her cancer go away," and it had worked, mummy's cancer had gone away and Jennie's faith from that day had been cemented like an iron girder on a bridge, nothing could shift or dent it.

And then on her fist day back at university she had met him and fallen in love. For Jennie her faith was everything to her.


#


"I love you. I will never leave you Jennie," he said staring deeply into her eyes as they sat in the dim light of the bedside lamp on her bed.

I'm so nervous and excited.

They kissed and Jennie felt a wave of passion sweep over her. She felt so hot and sweaty like nothing she had felt ever before, his hands roamed; caressing and feeling her body lighting little sparks of beautiful sensations in her brain.

He was experienced and Jennie found it hard to resist his masculine charms but she tried.

"Stop," she said drawing her flushed red face back and away from his, he just leaned forward pressing his body against hers even more tightly. "Please stop…" but her voice faltered…

To her it was the best experience of her life. To him Jennie didn't know this at the time but it was just another lay. He whispered sweet nothings into her ear and they made love late into the night.

He kissed her all over her body and her mind swooned. This was pleasure like she had never experienced before, she had laughed and smiled then, feeling so happy.

Their lovemaking had been noisy and the bed shook with each and every movement, her boyfriend put the music on and simple love song came on the radio.

Never break my heart…say you will never leave me…never break my heart…

At the song her boyfriend had laughed even louder and then something happened that made Jennie laugh just as loud and long, her neighbor next door was banging on the wall.

"Quite it down in there!" came the muffled voice through the wall. "I'm trying to get some sleep,"

It was the best night of Jennie's life and she had given all of herself to her boyfriend, her love, her faith and her virginity. So Jennie was devastated that when she awoke in the morning to find he was gone.

Without a word. Jennie looked around for any signs of him and then she saw the note on the table next to the lamp. A note she would later wish that she had never found.

"Every holes a goal. Every goal is a hole. You were an easy lay. Never call me again you dirty whore,"

At first Jennie, couldn't believe what she had read, she read it several times to make sure what it said.

Oh my God!

Tears streamed down her cheeks hot and burning. She was horror stricken and devastated and instantly in that moment hated herself for giving herself to him so easily and completely but she had known him for two months and yet to her it felt like a whole life time.

That was the beginning of the end of Jennie's world.

A few weeks later Jennie went to the sexual disease and health clinic. She had had her unpleasant tests and now waited for the results.

This wait is agonizing. I wish I had never met that prick now.

A woman came out and asked Jennie to go with her. Jennie followed her to a room and sat on a materiel cotton chair.

"Jennie, I'm afraid I got some bad news for you. You've caught an infection. Not a serious infection but an infection none the less,"

"Oh God!" Jennie burst into tears. "What infection have I caught?" she asked.


#


"Mum I brought you some flowers," said Jennie as she walked into the hospital room and looked at the shriveled and shrunken thing of a woman that used to be her fit and energetic mother. The cancer had returned.

Her mum lifted her hairless head and tried to smile but the effort was too much and her head fell back onto the pillow again her eyes listless. The radio was on low.

This is it. She isn't going to make it…

Jennie sat on a chair next to her mum's bed, she held her hand in her own.

Such a small weak fragile hand.

It was clammy against her skin. Suddenly her mother seemed to awake a little.

"Jennie? Jennie are you ok…is something wrong dear? You don't look yourself,"

Jennie suddenly felt tears in her eyes for her mother and herself, her mother who cared about her so much even now that she was at deaths door she was more concerned about her little daughter.

"Nothings wrong mother," Jennie lied "I'm fine. Honestly I am," she said her voice sounding fake to her own ears. Her mother lay back again the effort to sit up and talk too much for her.

The song finished another song came on. Jennie listened to it as she smelt the sickly smell of disinfectant and disease.

Never break my heart…say you will never leave me…never break my heart…

Jennie couldn't stay any long, she kissed her mother and left, tears in her eyes.

I can't bare see my mother like that, no way not like that…

She had prayed again in church that day, on her knees eyes shut tight, hands in a steeple, like she had done when she was a little girl. Her hard worn face set in an expression of resolute determination and piety but God had abandoned her.

Maybe for my sin…

Her mother didn't live too long afterwards.

Her shame and guilt from losing her virginity to a two bit slime ball and the death of her mother took their toll. She started sleeping late and getting to classes even later, her grades started to slide. She just couldn't concentrate.

She started at nights going up to the roof of her flat building and just staring at the night.

Life is just so unbearable…I can't cope…I just can't cope

Tears flowed done her face night after night and she took on a disheveled sunken appearance.

Her only company as she sat atop the flats was the roofs yellow security light, it cast dark foreboding shadows of her form onto the roof.

Ant then it happened. It didn't come as a surprise, she knew it would happen but still she had been hoping against hope that it wouldn't.

Her teacher miss Hope had called her into her nice plush office.

"Take a seat Jennie. Jennie some of the other students have noticed you're not been yourself lately,"

"Uh..hu?" Jennie managed to mumble.

Whats this all about?

"Jennie, your grades have tumbled over the last few months, I know its been hard on you the death of your mother, but has anything else happened?"

"Like what?" Jennie asked.

"I don't know anything at all?"

"No. Nothing, I'm just upset at the death of my mother," Jennie lied. "That's all,"

"Well Jennie, I'm afraid I got some bad news for you, you failed your exams, you going to have top repeat the year,"

Jennie didn't show any emotion. "Ok" she said quietly.

"Jennie, I feel you need a little help coping with everything, so I've made you an appointment with the counselor.

Jennie didn't keep her appointment with the counselor, she didn't need their help. She wasn't any fruitcake.

Next thing I know they will probably put me on medication. And all for what? I fell in love with a slimebalI. My mother died of cancer and I've failed my exams and will have to repeat a year.

Another year in this hell hole of a life…I can't take it…I just can't take it…

A person can only take so much and when a heart is broken so many times, nothing can put it back together again –nothing!

Jennie's heart had been broken beyond repair and she knew there was no way back, nothing could fix it. There was only one way out.

Suicide.

At the thought of it Jennie's heart jumped with joy, peace, bliss, a way out of her nightmarish hell that had become her life.

Even still it wasn't an easy decision, no matter how desolate and desperate someone is, the thought of ending one's own life isn't taken lightly, especially someone as pious and holy as Jennie use to be.

But God has abandoned me, and now I reject him in return.

So slowly night after night, as she sat her resolve strengthened and it was then that she met him.

He was tall and broad shouldered with jet black hair and seemed to have a tenderness that Jennie had rarely seen before.

They went out for a few weeks.

I can't trust him. I will never be able to trust another man as long as I live.

When he tried to kiss her she withdrew, when he tried to hold her hand or touch her she withdrew again. Jennie knew it was unfair to put all her hate onto him but she couldn't open up to him. He seemed to understand and wasn't fazed by her lack of affection and Jennie in her heart loved him all the more for it, but for her it was too late.

He was poetic too, and she would always cherish the poem he had written for her. She took the crumpled piece of paper out of her jeans pocket and read it now in the glow of the roofs yellow security light.

Wanting you

I feel so sad and lonely
Wanting so much for you to be there
To help you through your grief which you're at a loss to share
But how many people really care.

Your life destroyed through the abuse of days gone by
Your happiness all gone dried up and dead
Like a zombie you walk through life
I know deep inside wishing to be alive instead

Like a schizophrenic with anhedonia, unable to feel the smallest thing
All the love and joy I could bring

Time will heal.
I have an illness which isn't real.
But you were never a fiction of my imagination
I am still burning with infatuation.

Carve your name into my heart
Am still waiting for my life to start
I hope it does before I'm old and decrepit
Unable to do the smallest thing
This insipid insidious feeling creeping up on me like a stranger in the night
So sublime and difficult to fight

end

My heart has been broken too many times…just too many times…

It was Halloween. The autumnal night sky atop the flats greeted her with a cold bite and shrill sound, but Jennie didn't feel the cold, she didn't feel anything. She was in another place, a place so deep in her mind it was as if nothing mattered.

It was like as if she was in a trance. She remembered the song on the radio:

Never break my heart…say you will never leave me…never break my heart…

Burning hot tears sprang up on her soft white cheeks.

It is too unbearable…just too unbearable…

She jumped…